We put each other through some hellish times in our 11 years together (but really, what couple hasn’t?) and yet despite the hurt and flaws and mistakes, I always felt at the heart of us was something special, something a lot of people never get to experience. We just fit together. We understood each other and craved each other. I only ever wanted to be near him. I only ever wanted his attention and love. I know he felt the same way about me and in one of the journals he kept for me he wrote about it.
“You are my best friend. You’re more than a best friend. You know me inside and out better than anyone I’ve ever had in my life. I don’t even know if I can describe what you are to me. My lover, my friend, my confidant. My everything. I feel like no matter how close I am to you it’s not close enough.”
I read those words and it’s hard to believe that he was taken from me. I need more time to be near him and love him and make up for past regrets. I just need more time. I struggle to breathe without him some days. It’s as if just existing takes every ounce of strength in me. I had this dream last night that he came back, briefly, and I had a chance to tell him how desperately I missed him. I told him that I keep his photo near my bed and I talk to him every night before I sleep and every morning when I wake. I asked him to forgive me for every unkind thing I ever said, for any time I lacked compassion, for any cruel thing I’ve ever done or failed to do for him. I had to talk fast because I didn’t know how much time we had. I don’t really know that he responded in my dream. And then I woke up and I steeled myself for another day. I heard a Nora Jones song on the radio today and she talked about feeling as empty as a drum. I feel that way these days, so empty. So devoid of happiness. I am trying to get through these difficult days so I can reach better ones ahead. I know he would want me to, and in fact even wrote once about how he hoped I would move on and be happy if something ever happened to him. It will take time and tenacity but though I might fall and fail time after time I’ll get it right one of these days. And even as I heal, I will always love him. Into eternity.
“And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.” – Emily Bronte
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