I start a new job tomorrow and I’m part terrified and part excited. It’s quite a change from my prior job, which is a good thing all around, but it’s still something completely unknown and new which can be a little intimidating. A part of me is scared I’m going to have a hard time handling everything while still mired in a grief that leaves me in tears at random times and in a black hole of despair at others. But then maybe it will be a good thing to have some purpose and structure in my day and tasks to accomplish. Not that I haven’t stayed busy but it’s been a lonely and somewhat shiftless kind of busy. Maybe this job is just what I need to find new hope in life. For tonight I’m just going to enjoy the peace and quiet and forget that a tomorrow exists.
I feel as if my life has been divided into two time periods: Before Brian’s death and After Brian’s death. Everything is still so fresh, including the pain, that it’s hard to imagine a time when I’ll be okay. I feel so not okay. I feel like a vase that has been thrown on the floor and is now in a million tiny pieces. A lot of the time I feel broken and worthless and alone.
One of the projects I’ve been working on to keep myself busy is beautifying my porch. Brian and I spent countless hours out there, him in particular since it was one of his favorite smoking spots, and I wanted to make it pretty since it’s mostly just been functional and somewhat cluttered in the past. I put up white lights all around the porch and hanging baskets of pink and white flowers. I got new green cushions for the bench since Charlie had run off and destroyed the original ones and put out a small table and plants. Its like my little oasis now and I like to sit out there and write. It makes my sad heart happy. I don’t really know what to believe in regarding an afterlife, and some days I have a hard time believing we’ll suddenly be granted happiness in some magical heaven, but I like to think of it as being all the places we loved here. I hope with all my heart we get to be together again and I like to imagine that our heaven will have a little porch where Brian and I will sit and listen to the robins sing in the pear tree and talk and laugh and hang out as long as we like.