Embracing freedom

I would give up my freedom in a heartbeat if it meant having you back, but despite my earnest and desperate wishing i can’t will it to happen. If a person could change circumstances merely by the force of their desire, you would be here with me now. Since it hasn’t happened I have to reluctantly let go of what I wish for in order to live. If I don’t, I’ll remain a martyr to the past and what I can’t have and that is a useless and sad endeavor. Instead, I will look to what I now have. Some days it’s impossible but other days, or even moments at a time, I embrace the freedom to simply belong to myself. I do not have to please anyone else. My decisions are based off my own wants and needs and I no longer have to parse out my time and feel guilty when there isn’t enough of me to go around. I didn’t ask to be set free but here I am. I decide where I go and when. I only wait on myself (and Nat) and my decisions and their consequences are my own to enjoy or bear. If you have the strength to allow yourself to be alone there can be a great sense of freedom and joy in it. Something many people never learn. I have had many well meaning friends tell me I’m young and that I’ll marry again but perhaps belonging to myself will be enough. I had one great love- maybe it’s time to see what all this life has to offer beyond that.

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